*Disclaimer/Trigger Warning: I do have MDD as well as an anxiety disorder. I frequently suffer from depression and suicidal thoughts. I do blog about it. If this is an issue, do not follow me.
Clothes I wish I had
Places I want to live
This is what my new complex is doing for move in day. Seriously, I need people to go with me. Free food, free drinks, THE BIGGEST POOL IN ORLANDO. Surely someone wants to help me move my mattress (because that’s all I’m moving)?
“Upon your arrival, you will walk the Red Carpet and experience what it means to live love The Retreat lifestyle! If you are bringing your parents, it’s all about them. We will have mimosa, ice cold beer, fresh brewed Starbuck’s coffee, Red Bull, catered food throughout the day, cold hand towels, and free chair massages all day for mom and dad who will be working hard to get you all settled into your new cottage home! In order to capture memories throughout the day, we will also have free caricature drawings and a photo booth for you to take pictures with your roommates and family! Our exclusive partners for your big day are Chick-Fil-A, Marco’s Pizza, Buffalo Wild Wings, Publix Bakery, Smoothie King, Sweet by Holly and Panera. We will also be grilling poolside all day until 7pm! Our entire Maintenance Team will be on site ready to assist you, your parents, and your roommates with any help that you all may need moving into your cottages! Don’t feel like moving in right away? Put on your bathing suit and head to the pool! Take your dad into the PGA golf simulator so he can show off his swing! You will be able to use all of the amenities the moment that you arrive! We will do everything we can to make your move unforgettable & comfortable for you & your family.”
I’ve been crying a lot lately. Fighting the urge to relapse…
I feel…meaningless most of the time. Like I’m barely existing. Kind of floating along and ending up in the way a lot.
I’m making an actual (non half-assed) attempt to meet people, make friends, feel like I’m not completely alone. But I still feel like I’m fucking up.
I got a call from my rm today…she said she moved out of the apartment, but was going to wait until Friday to turn in the key. I came home and all her stuff is still in the kitchen. Plates, utensils, dirty dishes, cooking wear, food…everything. Is still there. There is still shit in all 3 other rooms since she moved half her shit into those rooms when they did the carpet. I’m not cleaning it. And I will throw a fucking fit if the complex tries to fine me.
She also left her cat. She’s already been gone for 3 or 4 days. Guess who took care of the cat? Me. My rm didn’t even text me to let me know she would’t be here. What if I had stayed somewhere else all weekend? The cat would be dead. She would have had no food or water for 3 days, and an overflowing litter box. Now I have to find her a home.
I wasn’t supposed to be taking care of any animals. I haven’t seen my own cat in almost a month…and here I am taking care of someone else’s.
I feel used, walked on, forgotten, meaningless, and invisible right now.
I just want to not exist for a little while.