*Disclaimer/Trigger Warning: I do have MDD as well as an anxiety disorder. I frequently suffer from depression and suicidal thoughts. I do blog about it. If this is an issue, do not follow me.
Clothes I wish I had
Places I want to live
I’ve been feeling really weak and fatigued lately. Shaking a lot, listless, no energy.
Went to the doctor today, he’s going to run a bunch of tests on me next week. I heard him mention diabetes and thyroid disorder. Hopefully it’s nothing like that…maybe a vitamin deficiency or something. Either way, I need to get this taken care of now.
I keep feeling worse and worse. More and more unsure of myself.
And now I have all these other feelings tacked on that are making me feel even more confused and worried and unsure.
*rubs face hard*
Why can’t life ever just be simple?
Potential trigger warnings for shit under the cut (anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, mental disorders, blood, smoking, other shit).
This definitely isn’t my favorite job, but I’m actually pretty damn good at it. I’m also tied for second place for highest number of QA calls with a score of 100.
One person has 7 100s for march, and myself and another woman are tied in second with 5. Let’s see if I can’t get myself up there and tied (or beat out) for first ^_^
You know…I’ve only been here a week, but this is the best room mate situation I’ve ever been in. For the first time, I feel comfortable sitting in the living room with them, going outside for smoke breaks with them, just hanging out. Any other time I’ve had room mates, I hole myself up in my room because they either don’t really like me much, or we have so little in common (and are both/all introverts) that we just don’t talk.
This is also the smallest room I’ve ever lived in, but I love it. I’ve been able to condense my shit down a lot, and that makes me feel a little better. Like my life is a little less cluttered. There are little things about this room that I absolutely love. This is the only room I have ever been in that had more than one window. One of the closet doors is off the track and instead of sliding open, I can open it like a regular door. It actually makes it a lot easier to get to my shit in the closet. There is one light in the room, and it shines both into my room and into the closet. I think it’s pretty neat. There are also 3 hooks in the ceiling…I’ve always wanted a chandelier. Now I can actually have one.
One of the girls, I think I’m going to end up being pretty good friends with. We have a lot in common. We like a lot of the same things, we both play flute (I have two flutes, and we both have a lot of sheet music), we both like make up and hair stuff entirely too much, we have similar eating habits…she’s really easy to talk to and super nice. I’m also right across from the river. There is an amazing breeze all the time. Work is 5 minutes away now.
I’m also working on painting my book shelf and my bed frame. I’m thinking dark red or dark purple. I haven’t decided yet. At any rate, I still have a ways to go. I sanded the top of the book shelf already. I still need to do the sides, the insides, and the shelves. Then go back over everything with a finer sand paper. Then prime it, then I can paint. So it’s going to be a few weeks before I can get it all done, but that’s fine. I’ve been needing a project like this for months. Unfortunately, I now have a small blister on my middle finger from trying to do all that sanding in less than an hour. That shit generates a lot more heat that I was expecting.
Why do I always try so hard to fight for people who don’t seem to care?
I am so afraid to tell people how I feel, in fear that I will lose them. But what’s the point in staying in their life if I’m so afraid of how they will respond to how I feel?
I’d like to analyze why I feel the way I do about certain people. How much bad does it take to outweigh the good?
I’m tired of being so goddamn frustrated all the time.
For nearly the past 2 years, every person I’ve liked, I’ve ended up chasing because they wouldn’t say yes, but they also wouldn’t say no. I would rather someone just flat out say no, than chase someone around because there is a chance they might say yes. How do I end up attracted to people? Like..anyone? And why do they never want/care about me as much as I do them?
Can I just be content with being a hermit? It’s hard enough trying to make friends. When emotions get thrown in the mix, it’s a fucking nightmare.
Trigger warnings for depression, anxiety, social anxiety, other shit. I’m on my phone and I can’t put in a cut. Sorry for the length. I need to vent…
Ugh. I don’t know what to fucking do. I don’t know how to feel..how to express myself. I’m not even sure how I’m feeling…other than confused and unsure. I am so horrible at reading people. I see one thing, but then am told something totally different. And strangely that makes sense…but I’m not sure which to believe. I have no idea what to do. Sharing my feelings has always been…kind of frightening for me. You never know how anyone will respond. You never know if you can trust anyone. I want to…I want to be trusting, and I want to feel comfortable sharing my feelings…but I always feel whiny as fuck when I do. I always assume no one wants to hear it, and that no one cares. I always feel like I bother everyone. It’s a viscious cycle. The more worried about bothering someone I get, the more I actually bother them. I bottle everything up. But opening up to people is fucking scary. It’s…like a catch 22. If I say something, it might bother someone, but if I bottle it up, they might be bothered that I didnt say anything (and get pissed of when the top of my bottle comes shooting off).
At this point..I honestly just assume that no one likes me. I assume that my personality is so distasteful to everyone else, and anyone who is nice to me does it out of pitty. I dont feel like anyone genuinely likes me, or my company. I think people dislike who I am more than I do. I tell people that Im not very happy with who I am and the way I think/feel/etc sometimes. People tell me to change the way I think or feel, or the way I do things. Its not that simple…and sometimes I wonder if they say it more because they think I would be better if I changed (more tolerable to be around), or because they actually care and are trying to give me advice they think might help me feel better.
*rubs face hard* Why is it SO hard for me to be “normal”? Why do I struggle so much with being social and talking to people…making friends. I feel like my only honest-to-god, true friends are the ones I never get to see (there are 3 of them…and they have been in my life for years…theyve always been there for me, no matter what). Everyone else just kind of…drifts in and out. I dont feel like I really make a connection with anyone. To be honest…I dont dislike who I am as much as everyone seems to think I do. There are plenty of things I dislike about myself… But I actually pride myself in always trying to see other perspectives…always trying to understand. In my ability to forgive. To put others first. Maybe that’s not super healthy all the time..but I LIKE being the nice person. No, I dont like being walked on or taken advantage of…but I would not like myself if I always thought of me first. Yeah…I need to learn to be better about standing up for myself. But…I like that I’m nice. I like that I try to be selfless. I understand I cant please everyone…I cant make everyone happy all the time. I understand that. But I don’t want to completely change who I am…I just want to learn to be happier with myself. Stop putting myself down so much. But I dont want to change everything. So why does everyone else? Why is being the nice person so bad?
Why am I so…unlikeable?
Also, I wish people didnt get so freaked out over mental health issues. I’m not “crazy”. I have depression and anxiety. Yes, it can be exhausting to deal with sometimes…but imagine how hard it is to be the person who has to deal with it in their own mind?
Anyway…like I said, catch 22 no matter how I look at it. I could be super nice and a door mat and have people tell me I need to stick up for myself and change… Or I can stick up for myself and change, and have everyone think I’m a fucking bitch and STILL not want to be my friend. At least I’m somewhat content with who I am right now.
Ugh. Fuck emotions.
So, the fucking day I move in, Charlie’s car breaks down. Like..it broke down on the way to the house to drop off/put together my bed. How is that for ironic? I finally move closer to work, and the second I do, I have to start driving Charlie to work again. So now I’m back tracking to get him. So much for saving gas. I drive him to and from work with me every week day, drive him to Rockledge and back on Fridays and Sundays. The only day I don’t drive him anywhere is Saturday.
And you know, I don’t really mind all that much…but I feel like he’s getting tired of being around me all the time. Like, I like spending time with him, but I’d rather do it because we want to and we’re having a good time…not every day because I have to drive him somewhere he has to be.
I’m frustrated. Maybe it’s mostly the hormones from my period…probably not. Ugh.
I have no idea how to make friends. Most people just piss me the fuck off. I do not have much patience or a high tolerance level for most people.
I feel very frustrated. But I’m not sure if my frustration is entirely valid. Also not sure if I’m frustrated with myself or at someone else. I seem to have a love-hate relationship with pretty much every person I know. I don’t like not knowing what someone is thinking or feeling regarding me…but at the same time, I suppose ignorance is bliss. Still…I’d prefer the truth.
I suppose it’s kind of hard to want everyone to be upfront about everything when I’m not even entirely sure what I feel/want.
My chest feels a little like it’s going to explode.