*Disclaimer/Trigger Warning: I do have MDD as well as an anxiety disorder. I frequently suffer from depression and suicidal thoughts. I do blog about it. If this is an issue, do not follow me.
Clothes I wish I had
Places I want to live
I don’t feel AS bad as before. I think I may still have a fever (I can’t find my thermometer, and my hands are colder than they were earlier, so I’m not really sure), I still have chills, I’m still shaky, I still feel achy (and the fact that I fucked my back/hip up really badly earlier…with pain shooting up my back and down my leg isn’t included), and I still mildly have the spins. I don’t feel like I’m going to vomit everywhere now, though. If I could detach my tailbone and my head, I would feel a whole lot better.
I’m so fucking tired of sitting on my ass all day! I was supposed to start my fucking job on the 1st! Now my training is spanning 2 weeks with only 12 hours. This is bullshit. I basically missed a whole month where I could have been making money. I could have stayed in Melbourne until August 9th, kept my old job for an extra 3 weeks, and just driven here for my 4 days of training for about 1/4 the price of what my rent is.
Instead, I made absolutely no money for 3 weeks, am only getting 12 hours for the 2 weeks after that, and then once training is over, I’ll only have another 2 weeks before classes start to actually get any hours in. I got seriously fucked over. My parents paid all this money to get me here by the 1st, and they keep having to give me more money because I am 100% broke, since I haven’t been able to work.
Now I’m going to have no choice but to take out a loan. I was supposed to be able to save up some money before school started. Obviously that’s not going to happen now. At the very least, I thought I would be able to work enough hours to pay who ever I would have to stay with between apartments myself. But since I’m only getting 12 hours the first 2 weeks…my parents are STILL going to have to shell out money for me.
I was so fucking excited about moving here and starting back to school before I moved. Now…I just keep getting more and more discouraged and depressed. I feel like a leech. I feel like a piece of shit. And what really sucks, is it’s not my fault. There is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I told my dad I should wait to try to get a second job, since I told Target I had open availability. But I had no idea that they were only going to give me 8 hours in one week for training. I had no fucking idea. And now…I’m in an even worse boat to try getting a second job. Once training is over, I’m *supposed* to be able to pick up as many hours as I want. But that doesn’t guarantee there will be hours to pick up. But either way, it would take a minimum of one week (and probably more like 2 or 3) for another place to hire me and for me to start working there. By then I’d just about be in school. And I won’t know how many hours Target will give me once school starts until it actually starts. And that makes me really uncomfortable.
I don’t know what to do.
I don’t think anyone should be this happy after signing up for college courses…but I sure as hell am. I have this dumb ass smile on my face.
Yeah, I know it’s going to be a lot of work (especially since I absolutely cannot get anything below a B if I have any intentions of going to graduate school). But I’m so excited to be going back and finally finishing my degree!
I’ve got my schedule all set. My financial aid just came in (I got the full amount). The subsidized loan is a few thousand less than I was expecting, but any little bit helps. Without that loan, I’m not sure how I’m going to be able to pay rent.
I’m also going to look at some apartments, and maybe some rooms (in houses) for rent this weekend. Hopefully will be locking something down this weekend and then moving next weekend.
FUCK am I excited! Only 7 more days of this shitty job. Only 9 or so days left in this motherfucking town. New job starts in 12 days.
I’m not fucking it up this time. No fucking way. I am focusing on ME this time. I’m going to study my ass off, get my shit done, and graduate with a 3.5 or better. Then onto graduate school ^_^
For the first time in a very, very, very long time (years) I finally feel like my life is heading in the right direction.
I’m tempted to move back to Orlando. The only reason I haven’t looked farther into it is because I already have a full time job here. Finding another full time job (with benefits) is going to be really hard.
I’ve been looking for a place to live here for a month. Nothing. And I don’t want to live here, anyway. I want to go back to Orlando. I want to go to main campus. I want to go to school full time. I want to get started on my life already. I put all of this off for 5 years. For 5 years I just wandered around basically doing nothing with my life. I’m tired of doing that. My job is meaningless. I’m miserable. Learning…school…it actually makes me happy. The prospect of possibly being able to make a difference? Of doing something with my life… Something other than working at a call center full time, then coming home and hiding in my room every other second of the day?
I can’t live like that. I tried. I can’t. I’m incredibly unhappy. I feel worthless and useless and in the way. Hopeless. Like…being stuck in tar or something. I’m getting weighed down.
Maybe I’ll talk to my dad and see what he says…
Don’t waste your time putting your “best foot forward” when you’re actually trying to get to know someone. Especially if you’re romantically interested in them.
'Cause 4 months later, when the other shoe has finally dropped, Your best foot is going to look like it stepped in some serious shit.
(Ok, maybe not for everyone, I’m pmsing and annoying about a particular situation)
You’re better just starting off with both feet planted firmly on the ground and telling the other person “this is me. This is who I am, and I am not going to act differently or change myself to make you like me more.”
And why the fuck should you? If you have to change yourself, or feel like you have to hide parts of yourself (If you’re putting your best foot forward, you must think the other foot has a fungal infection or something…maybe you should get that checked out before meeting any more people) to make someone like you, maybe that’s not the kind of person you want in your life.
I don’t know about anyone else, but I’ve tried being someone I thought a person would like instead of just being me…and it was fucking exhausting. And in the end, the other person never ends up actually caring about you, anyway. So what’s the point? I think I would rather have very few, but very close friends, who truly love and care about me…than a lot of “friends” who are not close to me at all, and who don’t really give two shits about what happens to me, or how I feel. I do not want to be a convenience friend. I am not disposable.
I think I’ll stay a little longer in Brevard…but then I think I’ll go back to Orlando. I was happier in Orlando. In 3 years, I only felt truly suicidal once. I think I did pretty well out there on my own. And it’s time to press forward.
This is my life now. I’ve spent almost 10 years wanting this degree. I’m done letting people talk me out of it. Finished getting discouraged when the stats courses confuse the fuck out of me. I’m gonna do this, and I’m gonna motherfucking ace it. And the onto a Masters. How ever long it takes.
No more waiting. This is my damn life. I’m making my decisions now. ME.
Picked up a readmission form for UCF.
Finally going back to finish my B.S. in Psych.
Then onto either Organisational Psych, or something else research related. I am staying farrrr away from counseling. No thank you.
At least with UCF, I can either stay here and take all my classes at the Palm Bay or Cocoa campus, or I can move back to Orlando (which I will probably do eventually anyway, ‘cause finding a job here with just a Bachelors is going to be hell). I’ll have to either move back to Orlando for the Master’s program, or go to another school for it. I’d love to go to another school…but I’ll need to get my GPA way the fuck up first. I burnt out baddddd the last year or two of college (but I guess after 6 years of school, changing your major 4 times, and still no degree, that’s not surprising).
Once you take a step back and put things into perspective, it’s amazing how quickly you can go from craving someone, to feeling almost repulsed by them.
I’m in such a strange situation. I have two room mates. One of them is probably the best room mate I’ve ever had, and the other is probably the worst (not counting my ex). Ironically, given the situation I just mentioned, I never would have met them if I hadn’t felt attracted to a particular person (who I am no longer attracted to).
The sad thing is, I have no real friends here. I get on well enough with a couple of people…but I don’t have anyone that I particularly care about, or who particularly cares about me. What’s weird is that I’m ok with that most of the time. I mean…I don’t like it, but it’s not causing me a particular amount of sadness, or anything. I think it will, though.
Eventually I’m going to start getting really depressed again living in this town/county. I really don’t even want to be in Florida, much less this goddamn town. I spent almost my whole life here. I didn’t want to end up back here. Even for a few years. I need to figure out what I’m going back to school for very quickly and get my ass moving so I can get the fuck out of here.